


Inalienable Weight of Care

by anti_ela



Series: Young Severus Snape [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Gen, Past Child Abuse, Pre-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 11:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19084429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anti_ela/pseuds/anti_ela
Summary: The first day that the world spent without Lily Evans, Severus Snape was unaware and unmoving, wrapped in the black of Dreamless Sleep.





	Inalienable Weight of Care

_God strengthen me to bear myself;_  
_That heaviest weight of all to bear,_  
_Inalienable weight of care._  
From "Who Shall Deliver Me?" by Christina Rossetti

 **All Saints' Day, 1981**  
The first day the world spent without Lily Evans, Severus Snape was unaware and unmoving, wrapped in the black of Dreamless Sleep.

He learned of Horace Slughorn's flight, and his promotion, the following day. He found he didn't care.

 **Christmas, 1981**  
Minerva dabbed her mouth with her napkin and turned to her neighbor. "How are you finding your new duties, Severus?"

"The little idiots keep trying to kill themselves," Severus said dully. "Do you know, I think I underestimated the general stupidity of the human race? They watch cauldrons melt and skin burn, and then they throw ingredients in their neighbors' cauldron for fun." He looked at her. "I hate children, Minerva."

The attendant children shrank from him, but he didn't seem to notice.

From across the table, Albus produced a glittering lilac flower crown from a Christmas cracker, which he immediately offered to Severus.

For a few moments, Severus stared at it, black eyes deep and distant. "I would rather die."

Minerva plucked the offensive garment from Albus's hand, transfigured it to red roses, and settled it upon her head.

A second year Hufflepuff smiled brightly at Severus and asked if he had any holiday plans.

Severus looked at her blankly until her smile faded. "One point from Hufflepuff," he said, "for poor reasoning ability, Miss Worthley."

"Sociability isn't a punishable offense, Severus," Albus said lightly. "Two points to Hufflepuff for kindness, Miss Worthley."

"It ought to be," Severus muttered, dismantling his pie with his fork.

 **Boxing Day, 1980**  
"You are aware that Dreamless Sleep is addictive, Severus," Poppy said.

He knew this and more: that he was an addict. He said nothing.

"Incomplete sleep cycles interfere with the rest of your body's functioning at every level, which you also know."

He stared at the ceiling, idly wishing that the infirmary had fewer windows.

"Sleep, food, hygiene, comfort--"

"I don't need comfort," he said.

"All living creatures need comfort."

He grunted and shut his eyes. Lily Evans was dead: there was no comfort.

"It is within my power to set house-elves on you, Severus. It is within my power to have you fed, watered, and fussed over like a plant if need be."

He turned on his side, facing away from her. "I don't need help."

"Act like it, then," she snapped. "Take care of yourself."

Once she released him, after the excruciating days of nutritive potions and prescribed sunshine and forced proximity, he ate every meal set before him in the Great Hall. His table manners were as precise as when he had last dined with the Malfoys. Clean, controlled, tidy. Bite after spiteful bite.

 **Spring Term Begins, 1982**  
Idly, Severus listened to two Ravenclaws mock Miss Worthley's failings as he prowled around the room.

"Why even try? Practically a Squib, you are. This is the one class in which it shouldn't matter, and yet..."

"Merlin, look at her face. Going to cry about it, Worthley?"

(Had Albus once confronted Severus, asked him to temper the students' bullying, he would have said, "Headmaster, I was not aware that it was Hogwarts policy to interfere." Albus might have stopped twinkling then, he thought. He had even allowed himself to enjoy the prospect: Albus feeling shame, regretting something, anything, anything.

But Albus never asked, and Severus, deprived of the sweet song of Cruciatus, of the sting of his blood powering a curse, of the highs of even the lesser Dark magics, turned his cruelty to more delicate targets than Albus Dumbledore. He ground his words to the finest edge, blackened them to obsidian, let them cut without restraint.

 _Let them learn_ , he thought. _I'll teach them this, at least._ )

Once the girl's cauldron boiled over, Severus sneered as he vanished her efforts. "Five points from Hufflepuff, Miss Worthley, for being incapable of following even the simplest instructions."

She looked up at him then, blue eyes bright, and he noted her unshed tears.

"My sister told me," she started, but then clamped her teeth around the rest.

His eyes widened as the name bubbled up from his memory. _Worthley, Caroline, one year below me, Hufflepuff._

"Get out," he whispered.

Whatever she saw in his face chased her out of the room.

 **January 9, 1982**  
The original sin of Severus Snape was simple existence. He knew that, had always known that. His mother had been the Prince heiress, once, before she'd fallen for Tobias Snape, before she'd been impregnated, before she'd lost it all.

He walked the halls by night so often the task no longer required his attention. Every week, his stamina improved, which pushed him greater distances, seeking exhaustion. And now he was banned from Dreamless Sleep.

( _"You're an ugly, stupid, worthless boy, aren't you? I feed and I clothe you, but you can't follow simple rules, can you?"_

_"Dad, please, I have to do it--"_

_"You're in my house, boy. I'll burn them, I will, just watch me."_ )

His second sin was wanting. Wanting love, wanting vengeance, wanting power. Scrabbling against the rocks of his station, cutting his hands on the edges of his place, that's what had done all of this.

Up the Astronomy Tower stairs, down, up, down. Once, he would have looked at the stars; now, he didn't pause.

( _"Severus, you aren't my fucking keeper. You don't get to decide how I feel, alright?"_

_"I would never pick someone else over you!"_

_Lily had laughed then, the bitterest sound he'd ever squeezed from her. "Christ, Sev. You already have."_ )

The other sins that followed the first two belonged to him alone. Something was wrong with him, something intractable, and had been since his birth. But he needn't have flaunted it, had he? Others could hide their natures.

In his wanderings, he found hidden passageways, secrets he never would have dreamed of. Shortcuts that could have saved him bruises and worse.

( _"Look who it is, Jamesie. Sweet little Snivelly decided to join the fight. Tired of hiding behind your lord and master, Snape?"_

_"I don't hide behind the Dark Lord!"_

_"Oh, I meant Lucius Malfoy. He does love the look of you on that leash, doesn't he?"_ )

In the end, Black was right about him. In the end, he was right about Black.

None of it mattered. Another year with himself, the first without her. Not one thing mattered.


End file.
